AIRLINE CABIN ANNOUNCEMENTS

Subject: FW: AIRLINE CABIN ANNOUNCEMENTS


All too rarely, airline attendants try to make the in flight "safety
lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real
examples heard or reported.

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where
you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a
flight attendant announced, "People, people, we're not picking out
furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,
the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude
and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and
to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four
ways out of this airplane."

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt. If you
don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out
unsupervised in public."

9. "In case of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from
the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small
child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In case of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind is distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
But please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased say it has many top flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you
it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't
the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a landing less than perfect:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this flight he had hammered his ship
into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the
first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile,
and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light
of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the
eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone
had gotten off except a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sir, may I ask you a question?" "Why, of course, Ma'am," said the
pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we
shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door. You can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of U.S. airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and
if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax . . . OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and
after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, Please forgive me if I scared you earlier. While
I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of
hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger
in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"