Spell Check

I halve a spelling checker,

It came with my pea see.

It plainly marks four my revue

Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word

And weight four it two say

Weather eye am wrong oar write

It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid

It nose bee fore two long

And eye can put the era rite

Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,

And I'm shore your pleased too no

Its letter prefect in every weigh;

My checker tolled me sew.

 

 

Blonde Mortician

 

 A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary
wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how
She would like the body dressed. She points out that the
man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her
husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in
a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check
and says, 'I don't care what it c osts, but please have m y
husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her
delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue
suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him
perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very
satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful.
How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that
exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You
see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was
brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was
wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she
minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead,
and she said it made no difference as long as he looked
nice.'

'So I jus t switched the heads! 
 

Sexy Women

 

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives. All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers. 

After a few days they meet up for lunch and compared notes. 
  
The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long. 

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night. 
  
The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night when my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 

'What's for dinner, Batman?'

Tired Dog

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

Boudreaux and Clarence

Boudreaux live across de bayou from Clarence who he don like at all. Dey
all de time yell across de bayou at each other.
Boudreaux would yell to Clarence, 'If I had a way to cross dis bayou,
I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah!'
Dis went on for years. Finally de state done built a bridge across dat
bayou right by dere houses and Boudreaux's wife, Marie, say, 'Now is you
chance,Boudreaux. Why don you go over der an beat up dat Clarence like
you say?'
Boudreaux say, 'OK,' and start across de bridge, but he see a sign on de
bridge an he stop to read it and den he go back home.

Marie say, 'Why you back so soon?'
And Boudreaux say, 'Marie I dun change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat
Clarence.
You know Marie, dey got a sign on dat dere bridge dat say, 'Clarence 13
ft.
6 in.' You know, he don look near dat big when I yell at him across de
bayou.'

 

FLIGHTY ATTENDENT

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT (This one is too funny to not forward.)

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who

seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and

told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be

landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could

just put your trays up, that would be super.'

 

On his trip back up the isle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather

arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

 

'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked

you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the

ground.'

 

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a

Princess and I take order s from no one.'

 

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a

beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I

out-rank you. Tray-up, Bitch.'

Tags: Occupational Humor

Dear Abby

Dear Abby: 
 
My husband is a liar and a cheat.  He has cheated on me from the
beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything.  What's
worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me.  It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a
new one.  All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and talk
with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.  Since our
daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and
hints that I may be a lesbian.  What should I do? 
 
Signed: Clueless 
  
***** 

Dear Clueless: 
   
Grow up and dump him.  Good grief, woman.  You don't need him anymore.
You're a United States Senator from New York .  Act like one. 

Tags: Marriage