Cuss Words

 

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios. "WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying h is eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out! " She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios.

 

Tags: kids

Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo 
toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

 

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day 
promptly at 8:00 AM . The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, puttin g the entire production line behind schedule.

 

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the 
end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

 

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles." 
 

Liver and Cheese

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. 
The three male dogs fall all over  themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving  in front of her at the same time. 
The males are  speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and 
hoping for just a  glance from her in return. 
Aware of her charms  and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she 
decides to be kind and tells  them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an  imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me." 
The  sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and  cheese." 
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle.  "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."  
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden  Ret riever and says "How well can you do?" 
"Um. I HATE liver  and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. 
"My, my," said the  Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."  
She then turns to the last of the  three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" 
The last  of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell  Chihuahua. 
He gives her a smile, a sly wink,  turns to the Golden Retriever and the >Lab 
and says .  
 
 
"Liver alone.  Cheese mine." 

Help! I've got AAADD

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention 
Deficit Disorder. 

This is how it manifests: 

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I 
look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. 

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier. 
 

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. 
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. 

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. 

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. 

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. 

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. 

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I realize the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. 

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. 

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. 

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. 

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. 

I realize tha t tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. 

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. 

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. 

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. 

 At the end of the day: 

the driveway is flooded 
the car isn't washed, 
the bills aren't paid, 
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, there is still only 
one check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my 
glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. 

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. 

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I 'll check my e-mail. 

Do me a favor, will you? 
Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who 
I have send it to. 

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming! 

DUH?

Instructions 
 
In Honor of Stupid People . . . 
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through 
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. 

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.  

   (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.) 
  
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details  inside. 
   (the shoplifter special?) 
    
On a bar of Dial soap --   "Directions: Use like regular soap." 
   (and that would be???....) 
  
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." 
   (but, it's just a suggestion.) 

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." 
   (well...duh, a bit late, huh!) 

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after >heating." 
    (...and you thought????...) 

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." 
    (but wouldn't this save me time?) 

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." 
   (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we >could 
    just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.) 

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." 
    (...I'm taking this because???....) 

 

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." 
    (as opposed to what?) 

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." 
   (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) 

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." 
    (talk about a news flash) 

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." 
   (Step 3: say what?) 

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." 
   (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) 

On a Swedish Chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." 
   (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)