Boudreaux and Clarence

Boudreaux live across de bayou from Clarence who he don like at all. Dey
all de time yell across de bayou at each other.
Boudreaux would yell to Clarence, 'If I had a way to cross dis bayou,
I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah!'
Dis went on for years. Finally de state done built a bridge across dat
bayou right by dere houses and Boudreaux's wife, Marie, say, 'Now is you
chance,Boudreaux. Why don you go over der an beat up dat Clarence like
you say?'
Boudreaux say, 'OK,' and start across de bridge, but he see a sign on de
bridge an he stop to read it and den he go back home.

Marie say, 'Why you back so soon?'
And Boudreaux say, 'Marie I dun change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat
Clarence.
You know Marie, dey got a sign on dat dere bridge dat say, 'Clarence 13
ft.
6 in.' You know, he don look near dat big when I yell at him across de
bayou.'

 

FLIGHTY ATTENDENT

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT (This one is too funny to not forward.)

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who

seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and

told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be

landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could

just put your trays up, that would be super.'

 

On his trip back up the isle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather

arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

 

'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked

you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the

ground.'

 

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a

Princess and I take order s from no one.'

 

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a

beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I

out-rank you. Tray-up, Bitch.'

Tags: Occupational Humor

Dear Abby

Dear Abby: 
 
My husband is a liar and a cheat.  He has cheated on me from the
beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything.  What's
worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me.  It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a
new one.  All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and talk
with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.  Since our
daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and
hints that I may be a lesbian.  What should I do? 
 
Signed: Clueless 
  
***** 

Dear Clueless: 
   
Grow up and dump him.  Good grief, woman.  You don't need him anymore.
You're a United States Senator from New York .  Act like one. 

Tags: Marriage

You might live in Texas...

 

 

You might live in Texas   Forget Rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Texas     If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you might live in Texas   If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Texas .   If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Texas .   If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you might live in Texas .   If you measure distance in hours, you might live in Texas .   If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you might live in Texas .   If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you might live in Texas.   If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you might live in Texas .   If the speed limit on the highway is 70 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you might live in Texas .   If you find 60 degrees "a little chilly", you might live in Texas .   If you actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your Texas friends & others, you definitely live in Texas .

 

Tags: Texas

Butt measurement

 Butt measurement.....
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day
And the man looks over at his wife and says:
"Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big.
I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape
And measured the grill and then went over to
Where his wife was working
And measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right, your butt is 2" wider than the barbecue!!!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed,
The husband is feeling a little frisky.
He makes some advances towards his wife
Who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: " Do you really think
I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill 
For one little weenie?"

Tags: marriage

Male or Female

 You might not have known this,  but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.  Here are some examples:   

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. 

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons. 

 

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over  inflated. 
 
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt. 
 
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water. 

 

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on. 
 
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people. 

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom. 

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around. 

 

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying. 

Men do remember

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee
in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at
the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip
of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,
'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from is coffee, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating,
and you were only 16?' he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears
thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. 'Yes I do,' she
replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. 'Do
you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car
having sex?' 'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into
a chair beside him. The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he
shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my
daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'' 'I remember that
too' she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and
said...'I would have gotten out today.'

 

Tags: marriage

Can't Outdo the Cajuns

Can't Outdo the Cajuns

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 100 years ago.
 
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, British
scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after headlines in
the UK newspapers read:  "British archaeologists have found traces of
200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already
had An advanced high-tech communications network a hundred  years
earlier than the Scots."
 
One week later, "The Advertiser", a Lafayette , Louisiana newspaper,
reported the following:  "After digging as deep as 30 meters in cane
fields near New Iberia , Gaston Boudreaux, a self taught archeologist,
reported that he found absolutely nothing.  Gaston has, therefore,
concluded that 300 years ago Cajuns were already using wireless.

 

Tags: Cajun

You gotta love old men

 

YOU GOTTA LOVE OLD MEN

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court.

I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. 

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors:  green, red,

 orange, and blue.

The old man kept staring at him.  The teenager would look and find the

old man staring every time.  When the teenager had enough, he

sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything

wild in your live"?

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and

had sex with a peacock.  I was wondering if you were my son."

Tags: seniors

Book Report

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.
One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

 

Titanic... $29.99
Clinton... $29.99

Titanic... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton.. Ditto for Bill.

Titanic... During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton... Let's not go there.

Titanic... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton... Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton... Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.

Tags: politics

Butt Dust?????

What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy in it!
These have to be original and genuine. . No adult is this creative!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked: "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and
one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was
so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't
remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to
six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much,
that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a chewable aspirin. She tried
in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom
explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for he r.
Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's
me?"

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't
give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

D. I. (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I
cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his
dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked
what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with
this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man
named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his
wife looked back and was turned to salt. Concerned, James asked: "What
happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then
asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.. This particular Sunday
sermon... "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward
heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are
but dust."
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter
(who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her
shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

Tags: kids

These are really funny!

One day, a  man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy 
nightie. "Tie me up," she  purred, "and you can do anything you want." 

So he tied her up and went golfing. 
  
********************************* 

 A woman came  home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the  door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the  lottery!" 

The husband  said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain  stuff?" 
 
"Doesn't matter," she said.  "Just get the hell  out." 

************************************************** 

Marriage is a  relationship in which one person is always right, and  the other is a  husband. 
 
************************************************** 
 
A Polish  immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take  an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C  Z.' 
 
"Can you read this?" the  optician asked. 
 
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the  guy." 
 
************************************************** 
 
Mother  Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have  a case of gonorrhea in the convent." 
 
"Thank God," said an elderly  nun at the back. "I'm so tired of  chardonnay." 
 
************************************************** 

A wife was  making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly,  her husband burst into the  kitchen. 
"Careful," he  said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!  Turn them! TURN THEM  NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're  going to STICK!   Careful . CAREFUL! I said  be CAREFUL! You NEVER  listen to me when  you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?  Don't forget to salt them.  You know you always forget to 
salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE  SALT!" 
 
The wife  stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple  of eggs?" 
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like 
when I'm  driving." 

 ************************************************** 
 
Fifty-one  years ago, Herman James, a North  Carolina mountain man, >was 
drafted by the  Army. 
 
On his first  day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off  all his hair. 
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army  dentist yanked seven of his teeth. 
On the third day, the Army issued him a  jock strap. The Army  has been 
looking for Herman for 51 years. 
 
 
 ************************************** 

Tags: marriage

Cuss Words

 

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios. "WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying h is eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out! " She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios.

 

Tags: kids

Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo 
toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

 

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day 
promptly at 8:00 AM . The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, puttin g the entire production line behind schedule.

 

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the 
end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

 

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles." 
 

Liver and Cheese

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. 
The three male dogs fall all over  themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving  in front of her at the same time. 
The males are  speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and 
hoping for just a  glance from her in return. 
Aware of her charms  and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she 
decides to be kind and tells  them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an  imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me." 
The  sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and  cheese." 
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle.  "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."  
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden  Ret riever and says "How well can you do?" 
"Um. I HATE liver  and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. 
"My, my," said the  Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."  
She then turns to the last of the  three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" 
The last  of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell  Chihuahua. 
He gives her a smile, a sly wink,  turns to the Golden Retriever and the >Lab 
and says .  
 
 
"Liver alone.  Cheese mine." 

Help! I've got AAADD

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention 
Deficit Disorder. 

This is how it manifests: 

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I 
look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. 

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier. 
 

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. 
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. 

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. 

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. 

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. 

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. 

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I realize the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. 

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. 

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. 

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. 

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. 

I realize tha t tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. 

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. 

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. 

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. 

 At the end of the day: 

the driveway is flooded 
the car isn't washed, 
the bills aren't paid, 
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, there is still only 
one check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my 
glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. 

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. 

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I 'll check my e-mail. 

Do me a favor, will you? 
Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who 
I have send it to. 

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming! 

DUH?

Instructions 
 
In Honor of Stupid People . . . 
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through 
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. 

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.  

   (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.) 
  
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details  inside. 
   (the shoplifter special?) 
    
On a bar of Dial soap --   "Directions: Use like regular soap." 
   (and that would be???....) 
  
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." 
   (but, it's just a suggestion.) 

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." 
   (well...duh, a bit late, huh!) 

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after >heating." 
    (...and you thought????...) 

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." 
    (but wouldn't this save me time?) 

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." 
   (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we >could 
    just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.) 

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." 
    (...I'm taking this because???....) 

 

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." 
    (as opposed to what?) 

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." 
   (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) 

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." 
    (talk about a news flash) 

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." 
   (Step 3: say what?) 

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." 
   (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) 

On a Swedish Chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." 
   (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) 

 

A Family Thing

 

Bobbitt Family Update In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed herhusband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with ...     A Misdewiener!

 

 

 

INHERITANCE

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly 
father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. 
 
So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most 
beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath 
away. 
 
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, 
"but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." 
 
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days 
later, she became his stepmother. 
 
Women are so much smarter than men.

Two Nuns

 There were two nuns... 
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. 
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. 
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us. 
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do? 
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. 
SM: It's not working. 
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too. 
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. 
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. 
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. 
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. 
Then Sister Logical arrives. 
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! 
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me 
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then? 
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. 
SM: And? 
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me. 
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?! 
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. 
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do? 
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. 
SM: Oh, no! What happened then? 
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? 
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

Divorce

 

 

 

When the divorce was final, she spent the first day packing her  belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful  dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music  and

feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of  Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited  a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for  the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything;  cleaning,

mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to  set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few  days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool  carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused  to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to  move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they  could

not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually  even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to  purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told  her

the saga of the rotting house.

She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly,  and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for  getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a  price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only  if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the former husband and his girlfriend stood smiling as  they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new  home...

 

...including the curtain rods.

Nuns and Beer

           Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing  
the beer   and liquor section. One asks the other if  she would like a beer. 
The  other  nun answered that would be good,  but that she would be queasy 
about purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle it and picked 
up a six pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look and  
the first nun said, "This is for washing our hair."  

           The cashier without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and 
put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer saying, "Here, don't forget the curlers."

You Know You're a Redneck.....

 "You know you're a redneck when...... 
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter. 
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive. 
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture. 
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want >it. 
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took. 
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. 
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower. 
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. 
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 
17. You have a rag for a gas cap. 
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. 
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean. 
20. You can spit without opening yo ur mouth. 
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. 
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side. 
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart. 
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. 
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements. 
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back. 
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty. 
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65. 

Border Control

 

 

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately; illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, wild animals attacking humans in Florida   Not me. I concentrate on solutions to problems. The result is a win-win-win situation:       + Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border       + Use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans       + Put the Florida alligators in the moat.  Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?

I Love My Job.......

I LOVE MY JOB . . . . . .

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio
station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling
down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all .

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.  As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.

It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is
taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.  This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to
itch.  So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.  Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it  However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

Tags: work