Spell Check

I halve a spelling checker,

It came with my pea see.

It plainly marks four my revue

Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word

And weight four it two say

Weather eye am wrong oar write

It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid

It nose bee fore two long

And eye can put the era rite

Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,

And I'm shore your pleased too no

Its letter prefect in every weigh;

My checker tolled me sew.

 

 

Blonde Mortician

 

 A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary
wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how
She would like the body dressed. She points out that the
man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her
husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in
a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check
and says, 'I don't care what it c osts, but please have m y
husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her
delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue
suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him
perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very
satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful.
How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that
exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You
see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was
brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was
wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she
minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead,
and she said it made no difference as long as he looked
nice.'

'So I jus t switched the heads! 
 

Sexy Women

 

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives. All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers. 

After a few days they meet up for lunch and compared notes. 
  
The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long. 

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night. 
  
The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night when my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 

'What's for dinner, Batman?'

Tired Dog

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'