FLIGHTY ATTENDENT

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT (This one is too funny to not forward.)

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who

seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and

told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be

landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could

just put your trays up, that would be super.'

 

On his trip back up the isle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather

arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

 

'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked

you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the

ground.'

 

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a

Princess and I take order s from no one.'

 

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a

beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I

out-rank you. Tray-up, Bitch.'

Tags: Occupational Humor

Dear Abby

Dear Abby: 
 
My husband is a liar and a cheat.  He has cheated on me from the
beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything.  What's
worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me.  It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a
new one.  All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and talk
with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.  Since our
daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and
hints that I may be a lesbian.  What should I do? 
 
Signed: Clueless 
  
***** 

Dear Clueless: 
   
Grow up and dump him.  Good grief, woman.  You don't need him anymore.
You're a United States Senator from New York .  Act like one. 

Tags: Marriage

You might live in Texas...

 

 

You might live in Texas   Forget Rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Texas     If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you might live in Texas   If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Texas .   If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Texas .   If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you might live in Texas .   If you measure distance in hours, you might live in Texas .   If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you might live in Texas .   If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you might live in Texas.   If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you might live in Texas .   If the speed limit on the highway is 70 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you might live in Texas .   If you find 60 degrees "a little chilly", you might live in Texas .   If you actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your Texas friends & others, you definitely live in Texas .

 

Tags: Texas

Butt measurement

 Butt measurement.....
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day
And the man looks over at his wife and says:
"Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big.
I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape
And measured the grill and then went over to
Where his wife was working
And measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right, your butt is 2" wider than the barbecue!!!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed,
The husband is feeling a little frisky.
He makes some advances towards his wife
Who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: " Do you really think
I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill 
For one little weenie?"

Tags: marriage

Male or Female

 You might not have known this,  but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.  Here are some examples:   

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. 

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons. 

 

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over  inflated. 
 
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt. 
 
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water. 

 

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on. 
 
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people. 

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom. 

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around. 

 

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.