Divorce

 

 

 

When the divorce was final, she spent the first day packing her  belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful  dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music  and

feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of  Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited  a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for  the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything;  cleaning,

mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to  set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few  days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool  carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused  to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to  move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they  could

not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually  even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to  purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told  her

the saga of the rotting house.

She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly,  and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for  getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a  price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only  if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the former husband and his girlfriend stood smiling as  they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new  home...

 

...including the curtain rods.

Nuns and Beer

           Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing  
the beer   and liquor section. One asks the other if  she would like a beer. 
The  other  nun answered that would be good,  but that she would be queasy 
about purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle it and picked 
up a six pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look and  
the first nun said, "This is for washing our hair."  

           The cashier without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and 
put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer saying, "Here, don't forget the curlers."

You Know You're a Redneck.....

 "You know you're a redneck when...... 
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter. 
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive. 
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture. 
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want >it. 
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took. 
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. 
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower. 
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. 
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 
17. You have a rag for a gas cap. 
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. 
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean. 
20. You can spit without opening yo ur mouth. 
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. 
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side. 
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart. 
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. 
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements. 
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back. 
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty. 
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65. 

Border Control

 

 

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately; illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, wild animals attacking humans in Florida   Not me. I concentrate on solutions to problems. The result is a win-win-win situation:       + Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border       + Use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans       + Put the Florida alligators in the moat.  Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?

I Love My Job.......

I LOVE MY JOB . . . . . .

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio
station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling
down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all .

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.  As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.

It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is
taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.  This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to
itch.  So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.  Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it  However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

Tags: work