Why Hillbillies Can't Be Paramedics

 WHY HILLBILLIES CAN'T BE PARAMEDICS 
 
Bubba and Billy Bob are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Bubba  
grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing;  
his eyes are rolled back in his head.  Billy Bob whips out his cell phone  
and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What  
should I do?"  The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it  
easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."  
There is a silence...... and then a shot is heard. 
 
Billy Bob's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?" 

Men strike back

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than wom en?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you letin first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

The Biker and the Old Lady

The Biker
 
Biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
 
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil.
 
He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
 
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
 
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
 
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot."
 
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why, thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
 
On the way he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
 

The little old lady looked him over cautiously. Then said, "I am a lonely old lady without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
 
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chicken's, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
 
The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."

EDNA

 
Jim and Edna, were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped n to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

 When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." 

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?" 

FIVE REASONS

 Five Reasons Not to Be a Penis: 

1. You're bald your whole life. 

2. You have a hole in your head. 

3. Your neighbors are nuts. 

4. The guy behind you is an asshole. 

And my personal favorite . . 

5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.

FOR WOMEN ONLY

 

Pregnancy, Estrogen and Women Pregnancy Q & A & more! Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to y ou. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college. "ESTROGEN ISSUES" 10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES" 1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet. 3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-". 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space". 8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus. 9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday. TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND 10. Cats' facial expressions. 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors. 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds. 7. Fat clothes. 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time. 5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell. 4. Cutting your hair to make it grow. 3. Eyelash curlers. 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. AND, the Number One thing only women understand: 1. OTHER WOMEN

Telemarketer

A Telemarketer's Nightmare 
 
The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with, "Is this William Wagenhoss?" 
 
This didn't sound anything like my name, so I asked, "Who is calling?" The telemarketer said he was with The Rubberband-Powered  Freezer Company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew William personally and why was he was calling this number. 
 
I then said off to the side, "Get really good pictures of the body and all the blood! ." I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case. 
 
I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home & at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. 
 
The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I proceeded to tell him we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody. At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away. 
 
My wife asked me as I returned to our table, why I had tears streaming down 
my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes. My meal 
was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable!!!

Prescription

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like
to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord
have mercy!

I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's
against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in
jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You
CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a
picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

History Lesson of US

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' “She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" praised the teacher.

"Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response except from Pedro:

"Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!" She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that?" she demanded.Pedro put his hand up. 

"Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right!  Now, who said that?" Again,Pedro answered,

"George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah?  Suck this!" Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher,

"Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, nearing hysteria, the teacher said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!" Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice,

"Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!" Pedro whispered,

"Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally a kid throws an eraser at Pedro's head. Someone shouted "Duck!"Teacher asked "Who said that?" Pedro:

"Dick Cheney 2006!"

T.G.I.F. VS S.H.I.T.

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde
already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F." 

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled, and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest
smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T"

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain, "'T-G-I-F' means
Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it duuhhh?" The man answered,
"'S-H-I-T' means "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday." 

Reasonable Response to Law Enforcement

George Phillips, 65, of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed when his 
wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could 
see from the bedroom window. 

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were 
people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked, "Is 
someone in your house?" and he said  "no". Then they said that all patrols were 
busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when 
available. 
 
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. 

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my 
shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them 
all." Then he hung up. 
 
Within five minutes three police cars, an armed response unit, and an 
ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed. 
 
One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot 
them!" 

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" 

Smart Ass Answers

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in
front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not
your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right
ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to
the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now
class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is
restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head
and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'dhave to write the exam with your
other hand

Edna and the Post Office

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to
process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read: 


"Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with.  I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?


Sincerely,
Edna"


The postal worker was touched.
He showed the letter to all the other workers.

Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put
into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of  Edna
and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.


Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read,

"Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office.

EDUCATING STATEMENTS

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generallyspeaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

The Good Wife

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,  yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times."

"When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.......You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck..."

MAN OF THE HOUSE

MAN OF THE HOUSE

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the
Man of Your House."

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a
finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I
am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet
meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a
scrumptious dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and
we will have the kind of sex that I want.

After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash
my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my
feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The f--king funeral director would be my guess."

Wet Pants

WET PANTS   Come with me to a third grade classroom..... There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden, there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet. He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot  possibly imagine how this has happened. It's never happened     before, and he knows that when the boys find  out he will never hear the end of it. When the girls find out, they'll never speak to him again as long as he lives. The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts his head down and prays this prayer, "Dear God, this     is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I'm dead meat." He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered.  As the teacher is walking toward him, a classmate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy's lap. The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself, "Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!" Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy. The     teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out. All the other children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk.  The sympathy is wonderful. But as life would have it, the ridicule that should have been his has been transferred to someone else - Susie.     She tries to help, but they tell her to get out.  You've done enough, you klutz!" Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers,     "You did that on purpose, didn't you?" Susie whispers back, "I wet my pants once too." May God help us see the opportunities that are always around us to do good. Remember.....Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.