Colored

Hope this doesn't offend anyone.....it was sent to me and I thought it was funny.

 

This was written by a black guy in Texas and is so funny. What a great sense of humor and creativity!!!

When I born, I black,
when I grow up, I black,
when I go in sun, I black,
when I cold, I black,
when I scared, I black,
when I sick, I black,
and when I die, I still black.

You white folks...
When you born, you pink,
when you grow up, you white,
when you go in sun, you red,
when you cold, you blue,
when you scared, you yellow,
when you sick, you green,
when you bruised, you purple,
and when you die, you gray.
So who you callin' colored folks???

The Importance of Underwear!!!

The Importance of Underwear

UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!! Listen up! If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead! Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle... From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Don't Show Up Late

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.  A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.  I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.  The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.  He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.

I was appalled.  But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.".....

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.  He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.  "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician.  "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Lizard Birthing

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
there was "something wrong" with one of the two
lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm
serious dad, can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and
followed him into is bedroom.  One of the little
lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed.. I
immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called," come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute.
"She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and
Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?" she inquired.(I actually think she said this
sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I
reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while
gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed!

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys,
you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm,
you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what
was going on.  I shrugged, deciding to make the best
of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I
announced.

"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do
with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife
wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty
here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly,
vanishing a scant second late!

"We don't appear to be making much progress, "I noted. 
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.

It disappeared. I tried several more times with the
same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to
know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You
see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in
his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to
him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean
what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of
her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested
scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.


Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is
not in labor.  In fact, that isn't EVER going to
happen...Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um.... um....masturbate.  Just the
way he did, lying on his back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife.

"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just... just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we
understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to
giggle.  And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. 

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming
affront to my flawless  manliness.

Tears were now running down her face.  Laughing "It's
just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on
its...its.... teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow
in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the
car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done,
Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea."

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with
laughter.

1 - Lizards - $140...
2 - Cage - $50...
3 - Trip to the Vet - $30...
4 - Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's
winkie.....Priceless

Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs