Bubby, Junior and the Blonde

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole,
looking up. A blonde lady walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but
we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts,
and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket,
took a measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked
away. 
 
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb
blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length.

Blonde Joke

Two  sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial  trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to  purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving to inspect a bull, the brunette tells  her sister,  "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you  to drive out and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects  the bull, and  decides she wants to buy it. After paying him, she drives to  the nearest  town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister  telling her that I've bought a bull for our  ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99  cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only  has $1 left.  She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.  After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says: "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup  truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word' comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. That's a big word.  She'll read it  slowly...('com-for-da-bul').

Marine on a Train

 The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length

looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed,

middle-aged, French woman's poodle.  The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may

I have that seat?"

 

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans

are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."     The Marine walked the

entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

 

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."  She snorted, "Not only are

you Americans rude, you are also

arrogant!"         This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up

the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

 

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this

American in his place!"         An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke

up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong

thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the

wrong side of the

road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

New Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately
spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. 
 
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. 

The owner looked at her and said, 

"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house

of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." 

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird 
any way. 
 
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up 
in her living room and waited for it to say something. 
 
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 
"New house, new madam." 

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, 
but then thought "that's really not so bad." 
 
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school 
the bird saw and said, 
"New house, new madam, new girls." 
 
The girls and the woman were a bit offended
but then began to laugh about the situation 
considering how and where the parrot had been raised. 

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith 
came home from work. 
 
The bird looked at him and said, 
"Hi, Keith!" 

STUN GUN STORY

STUN GUN STORY

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.  This was submitted by a

guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

 

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that   sparked

my interest.  The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a

little something extra for my wife Toni.  What I came across was a

100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.  The effects of the taser were

supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your

assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO

COOL!

 

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.  I loaded two

triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.  Nothing!  I

was disappointed.  I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND

pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch

of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.  Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the

face of her microwave.

 

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it

couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!

 

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting

little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really

needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.  I must

admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and

thought better of it.  She is such a sweet cat.  But, if I was going to

give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want

some assurance that it would work as advertised.  Am I wrong?

 

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses

perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser

in another.  The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and

disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle

spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would

purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of

water.  Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

 

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,

less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two

itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

 

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

 

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side

as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from

such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad..  I decided to

give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.  I touched the

prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF

MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

 

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up

in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and

over again.  I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,

with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles

nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest

position, and tingling in my legs.  The cat was standing over me making

meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly

thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

 

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note

of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap

yourself.  You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from

your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.  A three second burst

would be considered conservative.

 

SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!!  A minute or so later (I can't be sure,

as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little

 

I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.  My bent reading glasses

were on the mantel of the fireplace.  How did they up get there???  My

triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.  My face felt

like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles?  I'm offering a significant reward for

their safe return.

 

A.A.A.D.D.

 

I'm sure some of you can relate, and those that can't, well, this might explain why we are the way we are.

 Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated 

Attention Deficit Disorder. 

This is how it manifests: 

I decide to wash my car.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on 

the hall table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the 

trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is 

full.

 So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out 

the trash first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I 

take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

 I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only 

one check left

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk 

where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the 

Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put 

it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. 

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on 

the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading 

glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going 

to water the flowers.

 I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container 

with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. 

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be 

looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on 

the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where 

it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on 

the floor. 

 So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels 

and wipe upthe spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was 

planning to do.

 At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't 

paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the 

flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my 

checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, 

and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm 

really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm 

really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some 

help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you 

know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

AIRLINE CABIN ANNOUNCEMENTS

Subject: FW: AIRLINE CABIN ANNOUNCEMENTS


All too rarely, airline attendants try to make the in flight "safety
lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real
examples heard or reported.

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where
you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a
flight attendant announced, "People, people, we're not picking out
furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,
the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude
and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and
to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four
ways out of this airplane."

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt. If you
don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out
unsupervised in public."

9. "In case of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from
the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small
child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In case of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind is distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
But please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased say it has many top flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you
it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't
the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a landing less than perfect:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this flight he had hammered his ship
into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the
first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile,
and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light
of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the
eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone
had gotten off except a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sir, may I ask you a question?" "Why, of course, Ma'am," said the
pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we
shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door. You can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of U.S. airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and
if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax . . . OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and
after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, Please forgive me if I scared you earlier. While
I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of
hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger
in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Raising Boys

Raising Boys:



The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin , Texas

Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4
    inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
    blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough
    to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is
    strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four
    walls of a 20x20 ft.room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.When using a
    ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a
    hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a
    ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 60-year
    old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on
    water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they
      do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like
     ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

25. Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without
      kids.

LITTLE FIRE FIGHTER

LITTLE FIRE FIGHTER


A fire fighter is working on the engine outside  the station  when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle and the girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet! The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. 

The fire fighter walks over to take a closer  look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says. 

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says,  "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." 

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a  siren."

Men vs. Women

 

                                                                         WOMEN'S REVENGE 

 

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

 and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
         He answers, "You see, it's like this,

yesterday, I sent  my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WIFE vs. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passeda barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

 

W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

 

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible

that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament

and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

  

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment.  Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight.  Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

 

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

THE BEST COME BACK LINE EVER!

 

  THE BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER!
 
 Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the
 radio the other day
 and you'll love his reply to the lady who
 interviewed him concerning
 guns and children.
 Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta
 love this!!!! This
 is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is
 a portion of
 National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a
 female broadcaster and
 US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to
 sponsor a Boy Scout
 Troop visiting his military installation.
 

 FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what
 things are you going to teach these young boys when they
 visit your base?
 
 
 GENERAL REINWALD:  We’re going to
 teach them climbing,
 canoeing, archery, and shooting.
 
 
 FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit
 irresponsible, isn't it?
 
 
 GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be
 properly supervised on the rifle range.
  
 
 FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a
 terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
  
 
 GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be
 teaching them proper rifle discipline before
 they even touch a firearm.

 
 FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to
 become violent killers.
 
 
 GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be
 a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
 
 
 The radio went silent and the interview ended.
 
 
 You gotta love the Marines!

 

Who did you say was watching?

A burglar broke into a house one night. 
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up 
a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from 
the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." 
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When 
he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a 
vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching 
for more valuables.  Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect 
the wires, clear  as a bell he heard, 
 "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, 
looking for  the source of the voice. 
 Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a 
parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. 
 "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."  

 
> 

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" 
Moses," replied the 
bird. 
 
  "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a 
bird Moses." 
 "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."