Why Hillbillies Can't Be Paramedics

 WHY HILLBILLIES CAN'T BE PARAMEDICS 
 
Bubba and Billy Bob are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Bubba  
grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing;  
his eyes are rolled back in his head.  Billy Bob whips out his cell phone  
and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What  
should I do?"  The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it  
easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."  
There is a silence...... and then a shot is heard. 
 
Billy Bob's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?" 

Men strike back

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than wom en?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you letin first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

The Biker and the Old Lady

The Biker
 
Biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
 
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil.
 
He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
 
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
 
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
 
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot."
 
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why, thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
 
On the way he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
 

The little old lady looked him over cautiously. Then said, "I am a lonely old lady without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
 
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chicken's, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
 
The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."

EDNA

 
Jim and Edna, were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped n to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

 When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." 

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?" 

FIVE REASONS

 Five Reasons Not to Be a Penis: 

1. You're bald your whole life. 

2. You have a hole in your head. 

3. Your neighbors are nuts. 

4. The guy behind you is an asshole. 

And my personal favorite . . 

5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.

FOR WOMEN ONLY

 

Pregnancy, Estrogen and Women Pregnancy Q & A & more! Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to y ou. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college. "ESTROGEN ISSUES" 10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES" 1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet. 3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-". 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space". 8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus. 9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday. TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND 10. Cats' facial expressions. 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors. 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds. 7. Fat clothes. 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time. 5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell. 4. Cutting your hair to make it grow. 3. Eyelash curlers. 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. AND, the Number One thing only women understand: 1. OTHER WOMEN

Telemarketer

A Telemarketer's Nightmare 
 
The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with, "Is this William Wagenhoss?" 
 
This didn't sound anything like my name, so I asked, "Who is calling?" The telemarketer said he was with The Rubberband-Powered  Freezer Company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew William personally and why was he was calling this number. 
 
I then said off to the side, "Get really good pictures of the body and all the blood! ." I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case. 
 
I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home & at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. 
 
The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I proceeded to tell him we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody. At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away. 
 
My wife asked me as I returned to our table, why I had tears streaming down 
my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes. My meal 
was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable!!!

Prescription

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like
to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord
have mercy!

I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's
against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in
jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You
CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a
picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

History Lesson of US

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' “She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" praised the teacher.

"Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response except from Pedro:

"Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!" She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that?" she demanded.Pedro put his hand up. 

"Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right!  Now, who said that?" Again,Pedro answered,

"George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah?  Suck this!" Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher,

"Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, nearing hysteria, the teacher said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!" Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice,

"Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!" Pedro whispered,

"Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally a kid throws an eraser at Pedro's head. Someone shouted "Duck!"Teacher asked "Who said that?" Pedro:

"Dick Cheney 2006!"

T.G.I.F. VS S.H.I.T.

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde
already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F." 

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled, and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest
smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T"

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain, "'T-G-I-F' means
Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it duuhhh?" The man answered,
"'S-H-I-T' means "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday." 

Reasonable Response to Law Enforcement

George Phillips, 65, of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed when his 
wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could 
see from the bedroom window. 

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were 
people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked, "Is 
someone in your house?" and he said  "no". Then they said that all patrols were 
busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when 
available. 
 
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. 

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my 
shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them 
all." Then he hung up. 
 
Within five minutes three police cars, an armed response unit, and an 
ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed. 
 
One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot 
them!" 

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" 

Smart Ass Answers

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in
front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not
your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right
ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to
the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now
class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is
restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head
and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'dhave to write the exam with your
other hand

Edna and the Post Office

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to
process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read: 


"Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with.  I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?


Sincerely,
Edna"


The postal worker was touched.
He showed the letter to all the other workers.

Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put
into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of  Edna
and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.


Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read,

"Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office.

EDUCATING STATEMENTS

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generallyspeaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

The Good Wife

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,  yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times."

"When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.......You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck..."

MAN OF THE HOUSE

MAN OF THE HOUSE

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the
Man of Your House."

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a
finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I
am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet
meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a
scrumptious dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and
we will have the kind of sex that I want.

After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash
my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my
feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The f--king funeral director would be my guess."

Wet Pants

WET PANTS   Come with me to a third grade classroom..... There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden, there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet. He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot  possibly imagine how this has happened. It's never happened     before, and he knows that when the boys find  out he will never hear the end of it. When the girls find out, they'll never speak to him again as long as he lives. The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts his head down and prays this prayer, "Dear God, this     is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I'm dead meat." He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered.  As the teacher is walking toward him, a classmate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy's lap. The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself, "Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!" Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy. The     teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out. All the other children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk.  The sympathy is wonderful. But as life would have it, the ridicule that should have been his has been transferred to someone else - Susie.     She tries to help, but they tell her to get out.  You've done enough, you klutz!" Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers,     "You did that on purpose, didn't you?" Susie whispers back, "I wet my pants once too." May God help us see the opportunities that are always around us to do good. Remember.....Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.

80 Year Old Lady

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.


    Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"


    The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies:  "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."


    The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee,   tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss hthiickk...aaand   rrunns by bbaatteries ?


    The clerk responds, "Yes we do."


    "Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offfff?"

Telemarketer Prank

 

 

Turn down your sound a little bit if anyone is near you. This is hysterical!!

 

 

Telemarketer Prank

 

http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/

 

 

 

Smart Woman

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. 
 
The woman took out her purse, extracted twenty dollars and asked, 
 
"If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No. I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless woman replied. 
 
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked "No. I don"t waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." 
 
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven"t had my hair done in 20 years!" 
 
"Well," said the woman, "I"m not going to give you the money. Instead, I"m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and myself tonight. 
 
The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won"t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." 
 
The woman replied, "That"s okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine." 

The Cabbie and the Nun

 

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the
VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as
I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you
could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you
have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker
blush. But when they get back o n the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and
I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a  Halloween
party."

Colored

Hope this doesn't offend anyone.....it was sent to me and I thought it was funny.

 

This was written by a black guy in Texas and is so funny. What a great sense of humor and creativity!!!

When I born, I black,
when I grow up, I black,
when I go in sun, I black,
when I cold, I black,
when I scared, I black,
when I sick, I black,
and when I die, I still black.

You white folks...
When you born, you pink,
when you grow up, you white,
when you go in sun, you red,
when you cold, you blue,
when you scared, you yellow,
when you sick, you green,
when you bruised, you purple,
and when you die, you gray.
So who you callin' colored folks???

The Importance of Underwear!!!

The Importance of Underwear

UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!! Listen up! If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead! Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle... From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Don't Show Up Late

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.  A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.  I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.  The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.  He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.

I was appalled.  But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.".....

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.  He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.  "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician.  "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Lizard Birthing

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
there was "something wrong" with one of the two
lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm
serious dad, can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and
followed him into is bedroom.  One of the little
lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed.. I
immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called," come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute.
"She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and
Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?" she inquired.(I actually think she said this
sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I
reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while
gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed!

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys,
you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm,
you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what
was going on.  I shrugged, deciding to make the best
of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I
announced.

"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do
with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife
wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty
here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly,
vanishing a scant second late!

"We don't appear to be making much progress, "I noted. 
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.

It disappeared. I tried several more times with the
same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to
know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You
see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in
his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to
him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean
what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of
her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested
scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.


Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is
not in labor.  In fact, that isn't EVER going to
happen...Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um.... um....masturbate.  Just the
way he did, lying on his back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife.

"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just... just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we
understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to
giggle.  And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. 

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming
affront to my flawless  manliness.

Tears were now running down her face.  Laughing "It's
just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on
its...its.... teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow
in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the
car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done,
Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea."

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with
laughter.

1 - Lizards - $140...
2 - Cage - $50...
3 - Trip to the Vet - $30...
4 - Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's
winkie.....Priceless

Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs

 

Bubby, Junior and the Blonde

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole,
looking up. A blonde lady walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but
we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts,
and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket,
took a measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked
away. 
 
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb
blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length.

Blonde Joke

Two  sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial  trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to  purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving to inspect a bull, the brunette tells  her sister,  "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you  to drive out and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects  the bull, and  decides she wants to buy it. After paying him, she drives to  the nearest  town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister  telling her that I've bought a bull for our  ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99  cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only  has $1 left.  She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.  After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says: "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup  truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word' comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. That's a big word.  She'll read it  slowly...('com-for-da-bul').

Marine on a Train

 The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length

looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed,

middle-aged, French woman's poodle.  The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may

I have that seat?"

 

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans

are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."     The Marine walked the

entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

 

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."  She snorted, "Not only are

you Americans rude, you are also

arrogant!"         This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up

the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

 

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this

American in his place!"         An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke

up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong

thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the

wrong side of the

road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

New Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately
spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. 
 
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. 

The owner looked at her and said, 

"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house

of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." 

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird 
any way. 
 
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up 
in her living room and waited for it to say something. 
 
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 
"New house, new madam." 

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, 
but then thought "that's really not so bad." 
 
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school 
the bird saw and said, 
"New house, new madam, new girls." 
 
The girls and the woman were a bit offended
but then began to laugh about the situation 
considering how and where the parrot had been raised. 

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith 
came home from work. 
 
The bird looked at him and said, 
"Hi, Keith!" 

STUN GUN STORY

STUN GUN STORY

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.  This was submitted by a

guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

 

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that   sparked

my interest.  The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a

little something extra for my wife Toni.  What I came across was a

100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.  The effects of the taser were

supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your

assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO

COOL!

 

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.  I loaded two

triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.  Nothing!  I

was disappointed.  I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND

pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch

of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.  Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the

face of her microwave.

 

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it

couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!

 

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting

little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really

needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.  I must

admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and

thought better of it.  She is such a sweet cat.  But, if I was going to

give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want

some assurance that it would work as advertised.  Am I wrong?

 

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses

perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser

in another.  The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and

disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle

spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would

purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of

water.  Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

 

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,

less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two

itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

 

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

 

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side

as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from

such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad..  I decided to

give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.  I touched the

prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF

MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

 

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up

in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and

over again.  I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,

with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles

nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest

position, and tingling in my legs.  The cat was standing over me making

meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly

thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

 

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note

of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap

yourself.  You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from

your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.  A three second burst

would be considered conservative.

 

SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!!  A minute or so later (I can't be sure,

as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little

 

I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.  My bent reading glasses

were on the mantel of the fireplace.  How did they up get there???  My

triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.  My face felt

like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles?  I'm offering a significant reward for

their safe return.

 

A.A.A.D.D.

 

I'm sure some of you can relate, and those that can't, well, this might explain why we are the way we are.

 Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated 

Attention Deficit Disorder. 

This is how it manifests: 

I decide to wash my car.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on 

the hall table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the 

trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is 

full.

 So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out 

the trash first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I 

take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

 I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only 

one check left

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk 

where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the 

Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put 

it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. 

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on 

the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading 

glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going 

to water the flowers.

 I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container 

with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. 

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be 

looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on 

the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where 

it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on 

the floor. 

 So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels 

and wipe upthe spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was 

planning to do.

 At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't 

paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the 

flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my 

checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, 

and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm 

really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm 

really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some 

help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you 

know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!